I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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