see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Randomize
