Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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