my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
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