I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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