Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
should my penis look like a turkey
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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