im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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