i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
