I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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