So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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