I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
