It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
