I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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