tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
What a dumb baby whore.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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