i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
