4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
