I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
