Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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