We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
