The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
