woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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