Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
