wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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