pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
