Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
