my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Randomize
