My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
