he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
These 19 People Are Into The Grossest Sex Fetishes
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
People Weigh In On Whether It’s Okay to Bang Your Roommate
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.