Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.