for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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