I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize