Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
