Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
