I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
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I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
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Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
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Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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