my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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