When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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