Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
