Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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