shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
