you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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