I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
