why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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