It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
