Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
