hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
