i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The adults are the big ones right?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
