frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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