I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
