i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
