Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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