My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
