I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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