im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
