last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
