Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
