he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
