the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
