My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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