Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
